Funny week. I commented on Gabrielle Glaser's excellent piece about AA in The Atlantic.
Suddenly, Amazon sales for 'Lose the Booze' showed an unusual dip. Whoops. It seems like expressing an opinion that if AA works for you, you should stick with it, AND that if it does not work for you, there are other great paths to recovery, made some folks mad.
One star reviews from people who haven't read a book (or even seen it, I'm guessing in one case) are an occasional fact of bothering to write a book, these days. No harm, no-foul.
But wait, that's not enough. It turns out I'm now accused, in the form of a review, of "bashing AA" to sell books.
Actually...no. I could sell far more books if I wrote one of those inspiration-a-day 'positive' books, or even invented a nifty workbook for step meetings.
'Lose The Booze' is about following where the research leads
and determining what evidence-based program will work for YOU to Lose
The Booze. Or the drugs. Or the gambling habit. Or whatever is keeping
you from being the best 'you' that you can be.
If the 12 step program works for you--that
is, it makes it possible for you to achieve and maintain your sobriety
goals--then 12-step is the perfect program for you. Keep doing what
works for you!
My message, and I do admit that I repeat it every chance I get, is that you are not a failure if you are not among the 4% for whom AA works over the long haul. If you have failed to find long-term sobriety by using the traditional 12 step program, there are other tools in the modern recovery shed to get you out of failure, sober, secure, and on with your life.
If you are failing at 12 steps, it is time to look at other
alternatives to support you in finding and maintaining a sober, sane,
life. There are options. SMART Recovery works for some. Harm
reduction models, work for others. Women for Sobriety rocks for those who find resonance in their message. Cognitive behavioral therapy wins the research bake-off hands down. Want blinking lights and sound with your
CBT? Maybe EMDR is the route for you.
There are also new tools to help you maintain your own commitment to sobriety. Soberlink is the latest tool we have added at North Star Guides, the recovery management monitoring and mentoring organization that I work for. Soberlink is a handheld device that allows real-time alcohol testing in a quick, easy, discreet way that keeps you accountable, rebuilds trust with family and colleagues, and makes a proven difference in relapse prevention. It's a real innovation in recovery monitoring, and even the AA folks hating on those who mention new treatments are using it, because Hazeldon/BettyFord does.
Again, 12 step programs are the perfect program for those who achieve long-term abstinence using 12 steps.
But even the most enthusiastic step advocates generally agree that
adding modern touches--like supportive therapy, coaching, sober
lifestyle training, case management with accountability, Soberlink testing, and other
tools--can amp up the odds that your 12-step program will remain
successful for you over the long-term.
There are plenty of committed anti-12-step folks out there. If
you're looking for someone who truly detests the 12 step model, Jack Trimpey and
other people who have genuinely ugly words for AA have
plenty of online sites for you to visit to share any anger you feel
toward the program. Perhaps the AA folks could stop through those sites, if they need to see what bashing AA looks like.
My message, my reason for working in recovery, my motivation for writing the little book, Lose The Booze is that everyone with an alcohol problem deserves to find the right path for them, to a positive and genuinely sustainable
place of sobriety, without shame, guilt, or the constant fear that you
will fail.
I believe that we are all powerful, beautiful, and intelligent people
who can benefit from decades of advances in research-based treatment
alternatives.
I believe my clients and friends did their very best to work the AA program. I know that they are brave heroes for deciding to move on to other research-based, alternatives when they didn't achieve success with the steps.
Isn't it wonderful that we have learned so much since 1935? We have new tools and methods that can help people achieve long-term victory over their substance abuse, even if they have failed in the past. That's great, and if you're angry about it, there's probably a step for you to loop back to for further examination.
Margaret Gold
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Sober people can have a great time on St. Patrick's Day. But most of us don't. Perhaps it's because the annual American-style day of the drunk tends to trigger memories in some of us, of times we were the ones spilling green beer, while slurring our speech.
For me, St. Paddy's is a day to remind everyone within the sound of my internet voice that a plan to not drink, is not the same as not drinking. Why does this matter?
Because if you planned to stay sober and did not. No reason, no excuse, no justification of how small a quantity you consumed during your slip, gives you the right to drive a car after drinking.
St. Patrick's Day traffic accident and fatality statistics are truly horrifying. And most of the victims are sober drivers and passengers whose lives are changed by somebody who thinks (s)he's just fine to drive.
You're not. You can call Typsy Tow in many cities. AAA wants you to get home safe. Uber and many taxi companies will give you a lift as well. Of course, these options presume that you were not planning on drinking. No guilt here. Just get home safe. If you have to pay for a cab, just think of the money you're saving not needing a lawyer, and tip well.
If for some reason you are planning on joining the party, make sure your designated sober driver is REALLY going to stay cold sober all day and night.
At Northstar Guides, the recovery management, mentoring, and monitoring service where I work, we see people on virtually every holiday break down, forget their plan for avoiding alcohol, and then ending up with at least guilt, and often legal troubles because they wanted to cover up their lapse by driving home.
Hint, if you drive INTO your garage, door and all, your family will know about your lapse and it will not be a small, reset and forget, tomorrow. True story.
A DUI can set back your sobriety plan because it adds legal, emotional and financial stress to your life, and because the legal system doesn't usually care much for non-step recovery programs. In other words, you may be attending 90 meetings in 90 days, knowing they don't work for you, because the judge's uncle got sober through AA in 1962.
All of these potential harms leave out two scenarios that can cause the most mayhem: you can drink, drive, and actually hurt someone. The guilt, fear, and self loathing will last.
Or, you might slide into your driveway, not having been caught committing a crime. A felony in most states. Your sober life plan is not helped by getting away from the accountability and consequences of your bad choice. You can restart your sober life right now but don't fool yourself into denying the lapse and your bad choices.
Slips happen. Lapses are especially hard to avoid on traditional drinking days. You can do it! Remember how far you've come and what you have to gain by keeping sober today. Use the tools you've learned from the recovery model you've used to get to now. Hopefully you'll have success and celebrate the wonderful feeling of waking up on March 18 knowing that you didn't do something to embarrass yourself or harm others.
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
For me, St. Paddy's is a day to remind everyone within the sound of my internet voice that a plan to not drink, is not the same as not drinking. Why does this matter?
Because if you planned to stay sober and did not. No reason, no excuse, no justification of how small a quantity you consumed during your slip, gives you the right to drive a car after drinking.
St. Patrick's Day traffic accident and fatality statistics are truly horrifying. And most of the victims are sober drivers and passengers whose lives are changed by somebody who thinks (s)he's just fine to drive.
You're not. You can call Typsy Tow in many cities. AAA wants you to get home safe. Uber and many taxi companies will give you a lift as well. Of course, these options presume that you were not planning on drinking. No guilt here. Just get home safe. If you have to pay for a cab, just think of the money you're saving not needing a lawyer, and tip well.
If for some reason you are planning on joining the party, make sure your designated sober driver is REALLY going to stay cold sober all day and night.
At Northstar Guides, the recovery management, mentoring, and monitoring service where I work, we see people on virtually every holiday break down, forget their plan for avoiding alcohol, and then ending up with at least guilt, and often legal troubles because they wanted to cover up their lapse by driving home.
Hint, if you drive INTO your garage, door and all, your family will know about your lapse and it will not be a small, reset and forget, tomorrow. True story.
A DUI can set back your sobriety plan because it adds legal, emotional and financial stress to your life, and because the legal system doesn't usually care much for non-step recovery programs. In other words, you may be attending 90 meetings in 90 days, knowing they don't work for you, because the judge's uncle got sober through AA in 1962.
All of these potential harms leave out two scenarios that can cause the most mayhem: you can drink, drive, and actually hurt someone. The guilt, fear, and self loathing will last.
Or, you might slide into your driveway, not having been caught committing a crime. A felony in most states. Your sober life plan is not helped by getting away from the accountability and consequences of your bad choice. You can restart your sober life right now but don't fool yourself into denying the lapse and your bad choices.
Slips happen. Lapses are especially hard to avoid on traditional drinking days. You can do it! Remember how far you've come and what you have to gain by keeping sober today. Use the tools you've learned from the recovery model you've used to get to now. Hopefully you'll have success and celebrate the wonderful feeling of waking up on March 18 knowing that you didn't do something to embarrass yourself or harm others.
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Why I "knock" 12 steps.
My day started when a very polite man inquired, via Twitter, why I "knock" 12 step programs.
Actually, 'Lose The Booze' is about following where the research leads and determining what evidence-based program will work for YOU to Lose The Booze. Or the drugs. Or the gambling habit. Or whatever is keeping you from being the best 'you' that you can be.
If, like my Twitter follower, the 12 step program works for you--that is, it creates a space where you can achieve and maintain your sobriety goals--then 12-step is the perfect program for you. Keep doing what works for you.
If a 12-step program has allowed you to meet your abstinence goals over a sustained period, congratulations. Your success in the steps makes you a pretty rare tropical bird. The research--verified, peer reviewed, scientifically validated research--indicates that the Alcoholics Anonymous program has about a 4% success rate in terms of long-term abstinence. If you're one of the real winners, you deserve more than a chip, you should get a medal and share your success with some of the scientists studying your program.
SO my message, and I do admit that I repeat it frequently, is that you are not a failure, if you are not among the 4% for whom AA works over the long haul and have failed to find long-term sobriety by using the traditional 12 step program.
If you are failing at 12 steps, it is time to look at other alternatives to support you in finding and maintaining a sober, sane, life. There are options. SMART Recovery works for some. Harm reduction models, work for others. Cognitive behavioral therapy wins the research bake-off hands down. Want blinking lights and sound with your CBT? Maybe EMDR is the route for you.
There are also new classes of medications to help ease urges. New awareness that most addicts of all sorts suffer from underlying mental health issues and that treating those issues may ease your triggers to self medicate.
Again, 12 step programs are the perfect program for those who achieve long-term abstinence using 12 steps. But even the most enthusiastic step advocates generally agree that adding a few modern touches, like supportive therapy, coaching, sober lifestyle training, case management with accountability, and other tools, can amp up the odds that your 12 step focused program will remain successful for you over the long-term.
I think there are plenty of truly anti-12-step folks out there. If you're looking for someone who truly detests the model, Jack Trimpey and other good folks who have had genuinely ugly AA experiences, have plenty of online sites for you to visit to share any anger you feel toward the program.
Lose The Booze is about finding your positive and genuinely sustainable place of sobriety, without shame, guilt, or the constant fear that you will fail.
I believe that you and I are powerful, beautiful, and intelligent people who can benefit from decades of advances in research based treatment alternatives.
I am certain that we all need help along the way.
I admit that I find listening to the failure stories and drunk-a-logs of sad, people who believe that they are powerless, is the very last thing to help me maintain my hard-earned long-term sobriety.
Isn't it wonderful that there is more than one road?
Margaret Gold
Actually, 'Lose The Booze' is about following where the research leads and determining what evidence-based program will work for YOU to Lose The Booze. Or the drugs. Or the gambling habit. Or whatever is keeping you from being the best 'you' that you can be.
If, like my Twitter follower, the 12 step program works for you--that is, it creates a space where you can achieve and maintain your sobriety goals--then 12-step is the perfect program for you. Keep doing what works for you.
If a 12-step program has allowed you to meet your abstinence goals over a sustained period, congratulations. Your success in the steps makes you a pretty rare tropical bird. The research--verified, peer reviewed, scientifically validated research--indicates that the Alcoholics Anonymous program has about a 4% success rate in terms of long-term abstinence. If you're one of the real winners, you deserve more than a chip, you should get a medal and share your success with some of the scientists studying your program.
SO my message, and I do admit that I repeat it frequently, is that you are not a failure, if you are not among the 4% for whom AA works over the long haul and have failed to find long-term sobriety by using the traditional 12 step program.
If you are failing at 12 steps, it is time to look at other alternatives to support you in finding and maintaining a sober, sane, life. There are options. SMART Recovery works for some. Harm reduction models, work for others. Cognitive behavioral therapy wins the research bake-off hands down. Want blinking lights and sound with your CBT? Maybe EMDR is the route for you.
There are also new classes of medications to help ease urges. New awareness that most addicts of all sorts suffer from underlying mental health issues and that treating those issues may ease your triggers to self medicate.
Again, 12 step programs are the perfect program for those who achieve long-term abstinence using 12 steps. But even the most enthusiastic step advocates generally agree that adding a few modern touches, like supportive therapy, coaching, sober lifestyle training, case management with accountability, and other tools, can amp up the odds that your 12 step focused program will remain successful for you over the long-term.
I think there are plenty of truly anti-12-step folks out there. If you're looking for someone who truly detests the model, Jack Trimpey and other good folks who have had genuinely ugly AA experiences, have plenty of online sites for you to visit to share any anger you feel toward the program.
Lose The Booze is about finding your positive and genuinely sustainable place of sobriety, without shame, guilt, or the constant fear that you will fail.
I believe that you and I are powerful, beautiful, and intelligent people who can benefit from decades of advances in research based treatment alternatives.
I am certain that we all need help along the way.
I admit that I find listening to the failure stories and drunk-a-logs of sad, people who believe that they are powerless, is the very last thing to help me maintain my hard-earned long-term sobriety.
Isn't it wonderful that there is more than one road?
Margaret Gold
Monday, January 26, 2015
Settled into the Sober New Year, starting with a great DryJanuary
Wow, January flew by. We started celebrating and motivating and encouraging the folks we know who committed to a dry January, one solid sober month, and whoosh, the first month of 2015 is nearly complete.
A lot of people have asked, via all the usual methods, about the concepts behind the annual Dry January campaign. Opinions differ, but here at Lose The Booze, we think any campaign that encourages folks to think before they drink is a really good plan.
It's not just for the newly or temporarily sober, either. For those of us who have celebrated many dry Januaries, and all the months in between, it's a great time to stop, reflect, and notice the great things that have opened up in life now that we're in charge of whether we drink.
One woman who commented on a Dry January article in Slate, shared her belief that the whole thing was a terrible idea because no-one should get sober for just a month. Okay. That viewpoint pretty much puts the whole one day at a time mantra into free-fall, but let's take her opinion at face value.
If Dry January is torture for you. If you're missing your drink of choice every day. If you're drinking on the sly, or thinking about drinking during your regular life, you may just want to stop. Yep, stop drinking for a lot longer than January. Your relationship with alcohol is not likely in balance, and your compulsive thinking about drinking is a flashing brightly lit sign that you may have a real problem. If you're sweating out the month you just may be an alcoholic. At the very least you should take the Lose The Booze quiz and really think about whether alcohol use is working for you.
If, on the other hand, you are like my friend Mary, lucky you. Mary sees the month as an annual mini fitness plan. She commits to skipping the chardonnay calories during her Dry January, feels great during her annual use-the-gym binge, and, with no more thought than, as she says "all those years of no fish on Friday," goes about life as usual, you probably do not need to be here at all. Find a blog with good recipes. Enjoy your spin class. Maybe stop and check in with your other relationships with people, food, fitness, work, sleep, and whatever else may not be as balanced.
Dry January is a great tool for inviting yourself or others to consider how drinking alcohol is affecting all of the different parts of your life. Family relationships good? Work? Taking care of your health? If you don't like the answers, or alcohol is too big a part of every question, you can have a fresh shiny new start. Every day arrives squeaky clean and ready for you. Each new year is an opportunity to re-choose what works for you.
For you, as it is for me, January may be a time of gratitude for having found a way to quit drinking that works, for you. You may be grateful for the resilience of your relationships and the grace and forgiveness that got you through rough times. You may have kind words and acceptance to spare for someone you know who looks at a dry month as a BIG DEAL.
Whatever works for you. Works.
A lot of people have asked, via all the usual methods, about the concepts behind the annual Dry January campaign. Opinions differ, but here at Lose The Booze, we think any campaign that encourages folks to think before they drink is a really good plan.
It's not just for the newly or temporarily sober, either. For those of us who have celebrated many dry Januaries, and all the months in between, it's a great time to stop, reflect, and notice the great things that have opened up in life now that we're in charge of whether we drink.
One woman who commented on a Dry January article in Slate, shared her belief that the whole thing was a terrible idea because no-one should get sober for just a month. Okay. That viewpoint pretty much puts the whole one day at a time mantra into free-fall, but let's take her opinion at face value.
If Dry January is torture for you. If you're missing your drink of choice every day. If you're drinking on the sly, or thinking about drinking during your regular life, you may just want to stop. Yep, stop drinking for a lot longer than January. Your relationship with alcohol is not likely in balance, and your compulsive thinking about drinking is a flashing brightly lit sign that you may have a real problem. If you're sweating out the month you just may be an alcoholic. At the very least you should take the Lose The Booze quiz and really think about whether alcohol use is working for you.
If, on the other hand, you are like my friend Mary, lucky you. Mary sees the month as an annual mini fitness plan. She commits to skipping the chardonnay calories during her Dry January, feels great during her annual use-the-gym binge, and, with no more thought than, as she says "all those years of no fish on Friday," goes about life as usual, you probably do not need to be here at all. Find a blog with good recipes. Enjoy your spin class. Maybe stop and check in with your other relationships with people, food, fitness, work, sleep, and whatever else may not be as balanced.
Dry January is a great tool for inviting yourself or others to consider how drinking alcohol is affecting all of the different parts of your life. Family relationships good? Work? Taking care of your health? If you don't like the answers, or alcohol is too big a part of every question, you can have a fresh shiny new start. Every day arrives squeaky clean and ready for you. Each new year is an opportunity to re-choose what works for you.
For you, as it is for me, January may be a time of gratitude for having found a way to quit drinking that works, for you. You may be grateful for the resilience of your relationships and the grace and forgiveness that got you through rough times. You may have kind words and acceptance to spare for someone you know who looks at a dry month as a BIG DEAL.
Whatever works for you. Works.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
It's no excuse Night AKA New Year's Eve
Yes, your commitment is to stay sober this holiday. But a slip-up is NO EXCUSE for drinking and driving. Ever.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Merry Christmas and a Very Happy 2015
It's Christmas Eve. The kids are tracking Santa through the always fabulous NORAD Santa Tracker. As I write this quick post of gratitude, Santa has just left Barasilia, Brazil. In the background I hear one of the girls running to look up French Guiana before Santa arrives in 6 minutes.
This bit of Christmas fun would have been completely lost on me during many past holidays.
I am so grateful for the years, more than a decade now, of clear-headed enjoyment of the little bits of Christmas. And of course, it's great to no longer ruin the turkey, or the holiday with my out of control drinking.
Sober holidays are a gift that I give myself and my family. Sure it's a stressful time of year. And yes, challenges that roll off much of the time, can take on a life of their own during the emotional holiday season.
But the text chimes are full of congratulations for all of the things that have gone well this year.
Lose The Booze has helped bunches of people rethink their drinking, and is a consistent category best seller on Amazon.
Family, home, work, and life are imperfect but full of the accomplishments that count: being nice, working hard, friends who laugh, and good health all around.
Gratitude. My friends. Gratitude. The reason for the season.
This bit of Christmas fun would have been completely lost on me during many past holidays.
I am so grateful for the years, more than a decade now, of clear-headed enjoyment of the little bits of Christmas. And of course, it's great to no longer ruin the turkey, or the holiday with my out of control drinking.
Sober holidays are a gift that I give myself and my family. Sure it's a stressful time of year. And yes, challenges that roll off much of the time, can take on a life of their own during the emotional holiday season.
But the text chimes are full of congratulations for all of the things that have gone well this year.
Lose The Booze has helped bunches of people rethink their drinking, and is a consistent category best seller on Amazon.
Family, home, work, and life are imperfect but full of the accomplishments that count: being nice, working hard, friends who laugh, and good health all around.
Gratitude. My friends. Gratitude. The reason for the season.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
5 Ways to Keep Stress Down During the holidays
5. Don't Overdo It - Don't take
on more than you can handle. It's easy to get caught up in all of the
festivities and over-commit. Make sure you know your limits and remember
it's okay to say no thank you, I already have plans.
4.
Plan Ahead - Making a list and checking it twice can make all the
difference in making your season bright. Knowing what needs to be done
and having a game plan will help you stay focused on what's really
important.
3. Go with the
Flow - Planning is all fine and dandy, when those plans leave room for
the unexpected. It's important to understand you cannot control
everything and everyone. Sometimes, you need to take a deep breath and
be flexible.
2. Take Care of
Yourself - Remember to stay hydrated, eat properly, and get a good
night's sleep. Even though you are busy, respect your mind and body.
This will give you the energy and clear thoughts needed to carry you
through the season.
1.
Remember to be Grateful - It's easy to get caught up with to do lists,
and the busyness of the season, but remember why you are doing it and
whom you are doing it for. It's not about how much you do or buy, it's
about the people you spend your time with.
And above all, remember that your decision to not drink your way through the holidays is a huge gift to yourself and those around you. Staying Sober Through the Holidays is our new book, and can be your gift to those you love.
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